Weddings 2025:  The ‘Rules’ Have Changed Since We Got Married!

When I got married (in 1994), we were pretty traditional about it. I was surprised when John popped the question, and I hadn’t chosen a ring ahead of time. I had a ‘kitchen shower’, and registered for china and silver. My parents paid for the wedding, and my husband’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner.  Our parents’ friends were invited. I did my own makeup. Our officiants did not ‘know’ us. And we somehow did it all without the internet or email. Our kids’ wedding experiences will be very different.

Recently, a friend whose son is engaged mentioned that she and her husband were paying for some of the wedding. A few other moms jumped into the conversation, curious about how this came about, as they hadn’t factored paying for their sons’ weddings into their financial planning. Was this a ‘one-off’ decision or a trend?  The same topic also came up amongst another friend group where, in addition to ‘who pays?’, there was also discussion of multiple wedding dresses, destination weddings, asking for money in wedding registries, parents flying out to be at the ‘popping the question’ event, and much more. There is a new world of weddings to understand.

I decided to talk to parents of grooms/brides, and to young adults, to see what the scoop is with weddings today. This is by no means a ‘rulebook’, as what I learned is that there are no more ‘rules’! Instead, I’ll share some trends I found from my discussions regarding how young people, and their families, are changing the ways weddings are ‘done’ today. Also, this ‘research’ was not scientific, as my relatively small sample set of parents and young adults was primarily from the West and East Coast, and included only people I know personally. The discussions included both hetero and same sex marriages. 

Background

Most of the ‘kids’ I spoke with/about were getting married in their late twenties. Most do not live in their hometowns, and, due to college, jobs, and grad school, most have friends scattered across the state or country.  Most of the weddings I discussed were not held in the couple’s hometowns. Thus, in many ways, every wedding is a ‘destination’ wedding for most of the guests, as well as for the families and the couple. 

Every wedding is, of course, unique, and its details depend on many factors. Couples (and their parents) have varied economic means. Couples want small or large. Couples want casual or formal. Couples want a cozy backyard or a lavish destination. And on and on the list goes! So I am making big generalizations here, based on those I spoke with. 

Now let’s break it down by each new ‘trend’.

Who Pays? How is it decided? 

Weddings come in all shapes and sizes, and at all budget levels. One favorite wedding I heard about was casually held in a backyard where they had strung lights, ate off folding picnic tables, and used earphones for a ‘silent disco’ for the dancing. Another favorite was held in an Italian villa with fireworks over Florence.  Both were full of love and all about the couple, their family, and friends. But either way, someone is footing the bill, and how it is decided who that is? 

The ‘rule’ used to be that the groom’s side paid for the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s side paid for the wedding. Today, that’s just one of the many options. Many factors determine who pays, including the means of the parents, the means of the couple getting married, the budget needed for the desired wedding, and more.  Interestingly, in all of the weddings I discussed, in no cases did the two (or more, given divorces) sets of parents discuss payment matters directly with each other, but rather all discussions of money were done via the couple as the go-between. 

Also, when discussing payment, it needs to be noted that the rehearsal dinner itself has changed. Back in the day, it used to be a smallish dinner that included the bridal party, immediate family, and perhaps out-of-town guests. Today, the event held the night before the wedding is often a casual ‘welcome drink’ or dinner event that is the same size as the wedding itself, which includes all invited guests. As one friend said, “If I’m traveling across the country for a wedding, I expect to have a dinner or bigger event the night before as well!”.  Also…there’s now an ‘afterparty’ to finance and plan! Many venues have noise ordinances that mandate stopping the fun too early. What’s a couple to do? Many choose to have an afterparty, which involves transporting people to another location where the (hosted) party can continue until the wee hours.

I heard a variety of options regarding who pays for the wedding.  

• The ‘traditional’ scenario of a bride’s family covering the day of the wedding costs
  • The couple is sometimes gifted a set amount by the parents, and the budget and spending are then left to them. Any overages come out of their pocket. 
  • Alternatively, the parents pay for the bills as they arise, with overages to be discussed as they arise.
• The ‘traditional plus’ scenario is one in which the bride’s family covers most of the cost, but the groom’s family chips in as well. 
  • The groom’s family may gift a set amount, or if the bride’s family cannot gift the amount desired by the couple, the groom’s family may then opt to contribute.
• The ‘lump sum gift’ method is when parents gift their children a set amount of money for them to do with as they please. Any overage costs are to be covered by the couple, and any money unspent can go to whatever they please. This enables parents to offer whatever amount they are comfortable with and to empower the couple to manage the budget accordingly. Many people I spoke with are offering this same amount to all of their children, regardless of sex, feeling that it’s a fair way to manage weddings in today’s world and the best way for them to do their financial planning. They may opt to tell their kids about this decision long before they are engaged.  And if one child decides not to marry, they may receive that sum as a gift that can be used for other purposes.
• The ‘Combo’ scenario is where both families (and the couple themselves) contribute to the wedding according to their means/desires/comfort level.
• The couple covers the costs themselves. 

So, the summary on payment is that anything goes, and there are lots of scenarios that are happening today! But if you are a parent of sons, don’t assume that you won’t be requested to chip in, if you aren’t already planning to do so.

Who’s ‘running the show’?

My limited sample size was evenly split between the bride/her mom, and just the couple themselves being ‘in charge’, organizing the wedding, and deciding on details. It also must be said that most outside venues now require a wedding planner to be used. So the decision-making process is also changed by this new dynamic. If the couple is gifted a lump sum payment, it is more common for them to manage the budget and do the bulk of the planning themselves. But a number of moms said they wanted to help out, not because they are controlling, but because their daughters are working full-time and they wanted to help lessen the workload for them.  One mom, however, did say, ‘Pay equal decisions!’.

Destination wedding/full weekend experience trend

Back in ‘the day,’ people married in the bride’s hometown. Not anymore. Given that brides often don’t live in their hometown, many are choosing to tie the knot near where they live, somewhere special to them, or just in a beautiful place they like. As one young woman said, ‘Since many of my friends don’t live in my city, or if they do, don’t have their weddings here, really every wedding I go to is in effect a destination wedding’. And given this, many people feel they should offer a whole series of events for out-of-towners, making a full ‘wedding weekend experience’ vs just a wedding itself. This may include a pickleball tournament, river rafting, wine tasting, a fun run, a hike, or a museum visit – anything that is unique to the area that guests may enjoy. 

I’ve heard different thoughts on the ‘morning after’ brunch event. One friend in favor said, “The next morning, everybody wants to talk about the night before! There are always funny stories for the wedding, and you also want to say your goodbyes. Some people are tearing off to the airport, but there’s this ‘day after the wedding download’ you want to do!” Another friend said they just wanted to sleep in and then pack up and go home.  

More and more weddings are held overseas as well. I heard of one bride who opted to get married in Portugal, a place she had never visited, because it was so much cheaper to host it there versus in the US.  It is much more expensive for guests to attend overseas weddings, but it can be more economical for the hosts. It is also costly for those in the wedding party as they have the costs of travel, time off work, hotels, attire, etc. People have mixed feelings about this trend. However, I did attend a wedding in Italy last fall and must say…it was fabulous! 

It’s all gone digital

Invites are most commonly sent out via snail mail, but after that, it’s all digital. RSVPs are sent via a QR code on the invite or via a URL and password that takes you to the wedding site. Here you can rsvp, find the couple’s ‘origin story’, get details on hotels/transportation, see the itinerary of events, browse the wedding registry, and more. It’s pretty efficient and would have saved me HOURS in my wedding planning process.

Showers? 

I got mixed answers when I asked about showers. Given the bridal party and the bride, who often don’t live near each other or the parents, these seem to be less common than when I married. Less common are the themed, all-female showers where the mom’s friends give kitchen items or other household goods to the bride-to-be. The bride-to-be is most likely set up in her kitchen already, or doesn’t have space for lots of ‘stuff’.   If showers are held, they are often co-ed, casual affairs which are almost more of a ‘pre-wedding’ party for closer friends and family in the area, and the bridal party who don’t live nearby are not expected to attend.

Who officiates, and where is the ceremony held?

My niece, who’s been to 30+ weddings since Covid, said that in all but 2 of the weddings she’s attended, a friend or family member was the officiant. We love this trend! Who knows you better than your sibling/aunt/uncle/best friend?  Siblings officiated the three weddings I attended in the past two years, creating ceremonies full of love, heartfelt stories, and personal sentiment. Given that clergy are not officiating ceremonies as often, it follows that weddings are not being held in churches or temples as often either. Of the 30+ weddings my niece attended, 2 were held in places of worship.

Who’s in the wedding party, and what do they wear?

My conversations showed that many are still choosing to have single sex ‘bridesmaids’ and ‘groomsmen’, but there are also a growing number of wedding parties that include ‘best people’, male and female friends/family members on both ‘sides’ of the aisle. If a bride has a great male friend or a brother she wants in her wedding party, that’s fine. Again, we love this trend.

As opposed to the bridal party wearing the exact same dress (as few look good on all shapes and sizes), most are opting to choose a color and have the bridal party choose their own dress. They might be told to choose from a particular ‘bridal party’ site that offers the same color/material in a variety of cuts, or they may be free to choose any dress in the correct color/length/sleeves that they may find. Men are either given a color of suit to wear or a specific one to rent. 

One friend of mine graciously paid for the wedding parties’ dresses, suits, and shoes, as she said that the financial burden on these young people who were there to support her daughter seemed unfair. How awesome was that of her to do – I wish it were the norm!

If you want some suggestions for the mother of the bride/groom dresses (that guests can also wear), please see our write-up here.

Who walks down the aisle?

In the olden days, the bride was walked down the aisle by her dad, and the groom waited to ‘receive’ her at the altar. How antiquated was that, and why did we not question it?! Now, the bride is usually walked down by both parents, and the groom can do that as well if he so chooses. Again, there are no ‘rules’ and people are doing whatever feels right for them, which is terrific!

Who gets invited?

To include the parents’ friends or not? This can be a tricky one that can be a matter of the budget, the size of the wedding, and the desires of the couple.  I married someone from the South, where it was tradition to invite the parents’ friends, and I met many of them for the first time the day of the wedding! When I asked my (unmarried) kids if they expected our friends to be at their weddings, one said, ‘But why would they be there? Unless they’re a close friend of ours as well, that seems weird!” Another friend who is financing her daughter’s wedding said, ‘I control the checkbook and I’m inviting my close friends to share this important event in my life with me.’ Two other friends said that in addition to the couples’ friends, by the time they counted their huge families, including all the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., there was barely room for any parents’ friends, given the capacity limits of the venues, as well as the budget.  

So on this issue, the invite list depends on many issues, including budget, wedding size, and the desires of all concerned.  Close parental friends who have a strong relationship with the bride and groom are often included, but that next ‘tier’ of parents’ friends is on a case-by-case basis.

Multiple wedding dresses?

Gone are the days of the ‘one dress wedding’, it appears! For the actual wedding day, there is often the ‘main’ wedding dress for the ceremony and the start of the reception. Then, after the cake is cut and the first dance has taken place, the bride may choose to change into a shorter dress option and tennis shoes for dancing. Then it’s on to outfit number three for the afterparty! And then, of course, there’s also the dress for the welcome event the day prior, which seems to often be a white dress that can even pass as a wedding dress, given how beautiful it is.

Gifts

Wedding registries are all online, which makes it easy for both the giver and the recipient. But gone are the days of couples asking for sets of china and silver. As one person told me, ‘A lot of my friends are not in the position to buy homes and live in small apartments. Even if they would like a set of china, where are they going to put it?! And most don’t want that anyhow.”  

Most couples today are opting to register for a few household (kitchen wares, etc) or ‘life’ items (suitcases, etc), but also register for ‘money funds’ which include things like a ‘honeymoon fund’. We’ve also seen ‘help keep our house clean fun’, ‘puppy fund’, and a ‘first home fund’. Our generation isn’t always comfortable with this the first time it’s encountered, but you can still opt for a ‘hard good’ item if that makes you feel more at home!

Bachelor(ette) parties

Bachelor(ette) parties have become an industry for cities like Charleston, New Orleans, Las Vegas, and more. The wedding party is often expected to fly to a destination for a 2-3 day period to fete the bride or groom, paying for their travel, accommodations, and meals/activities, as well as often covering the costs of the bride or groom. For people with limited vacation time and bank accounts, these things add up!  Some feel that there is going to be a push back on the over-the-top ‘instagrammable’ pre-wedding events, and the pendulum may swing the other way. 

One person recommended that anyone asked to be in a wedding party should feel comfortable asking what is expected of them financially, for time off needed, and in terms of overall expectations of what the role entails, as this can vary widely from wedding to wedding and it’s good to know ahead before signing on.

Thank you notes?

Yes, these are apparently still written…on paper.

Other:

A few other general trends I heard about include

• Not limiting weddings to Fridays or Saturdays
• Leaving welcome gift baskets at hotel lobbies where guests are staying, versus doing individual items. It would include useful things like toothpaste, sunscreen, etc, to replace the ‘Jordan almonds in a netted pouch’ that nobody likes and used to get at every wedding.

Summary

What I found out about weddings today is that …there are no ‘rules’ and anything goes! Young people are doing what suits their desires and budgets and making it about celebrating each other while being surrounded by friends and family…just as it should be. Parents are a lot less ‘in control’ of the events than they used to be, and traditions that were outdated are being questioned and replaced. Some things have gone a bit crazy, it seems, but hopefully those will adjust back in time (or maybe that’s just a 60+ year old’s take on having photographers at ‘surprise’ engagements where the ring has already been chosen and the date already set!). While traditional weddings are still taking place, many traditions within them are evolving with the times in wonderful ways.